


play until your heart gives out

by spicysoo



Series: you’re giving me a heart attack [1]
Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22591645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicysoo/pseuds/spicysoo
Summary: Ritsuka knows there is something wrong with his relationship, he can feel it in his bones, but the presence of Yuuki, makes him question everything. Sometimes, so much so, it begins to physically hurt him.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Series: you’re giving me a heart attack [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625599
Comments: 23
Kudos: 197





	play until your heart gives out

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, but I couldn't get this out of my head.

Ritsuka’s trying so hard to be good, to be understanding about things and allow his boyfriend the space he needs, but sometimes, he feels as if he’s a hair away from self-destructing. There’s a crevice—no, a canyon between himself and Mafuyu, and Ritsuka doesn’t know how to bridge the gap. He doesn’t know how to cross it and some days, he feels as if Mafuyu doesn’t even want him to.

It’s crushing to realize that.

Yuuki’s in the way, and while, Ritsuka has shown tremendous patience at allowing Mafuyu to have his ghosts. Ritsuka almost feels like a ghost himself. 

In his heart, he knows he can’t take Yuuki away… He doesn’t want to, but it’s difficult to navigate the emotions he feels. Never mind navigating through Mafuyu’s as well. It’s getting increasingly more difficult to say, move, or do the right thing.

He doesn’t know much about Yuuki and sometimes, he doesn’t want to know anything about him, but nowadays, he feels like he’s learning more and more about the other boy. The boy that broke Mafuyu’s heart, but not because he didn’t physically hurt him, but because he left the world for reasons Ritsuka doesn’t know. His self-confidence is shattering, because the more he finds about Yuuki, he realizes how much he pales in comparison.

Yuuki was an amazing musician—much better than Ritsuka currently is, and it’s devastating in a way that Ritsuka doesn’t know how to deal with. Ritsuka’s always been confident in his abilities, but the more he plays, it’s hard for him to feel happy about it. Yuuki’s song is constantly on repeat and it takes everything within himself to not cry. Especially since Mafuyu slivers of information and Hiiragi’s land mine of information makes him feel more and more inadequate. Frustration lines his nerves and all Ritsuka can do is _practicepracticepractice._

His arms burn until they go numb, while callouses on his fingers start to rip open from the constant abuse. Ritsuka has always practiced a lot, but with the fear and anxiety from his sister finding out and his parents still being kept in the dark, as well as Mafuyu being distant, he finds himself doing it a lot more. The spark he thought he had is almost non-existent and Ritsuka wonders if he even had a spark at all. 

Blood stains his guitar and Ritsuka bites his lip at the pain, but clarity runs through him for a fleeting moment. Ritsuka almost sags in relief at the feeling of it and the pain is so grounding, Ritsuka’s able to continue on. Despite the knowledge of him never being enough is a fact that cuts deep within his soul.

It’s melodramatic, and yet, it’s hard to stop. Mafuyu’s worth it—he wants him to be worth it, but the pain he’s feeling and the pain he’ll eventually feel when his parents find out, makes him believe that even harder. If Mafuyu’s not worth it, then does he really have a place to come out?

Especially when he’s trying to give all of himself to Mafuyu, only to receive a small piece of Mafuyu in response.

He knows Mafuyu’s still hurting and that he needs time, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less when Mafuyu closes himself off whenever he feels like Ritsuka’s getting a little too close. Not only does Ritsuka have to deal with the anxiety of Mafuyu being his first kiss, his first boyfriend, his first—he shouldn’t think about the things he wants Mafuyu to do to him or what he wants to do to Mafuyu, things that lovers do, but Ritsuka also has to deal with the presence of Yuuki as well.

He wonders if Yuuki has ever felt as confused as he does or as scared of himself when it comes to the things that he wants from Mafuyu, but deep down, he knows, Yuuki wasn’t timid when it came to his likes.

The song he has on repeat tells him that.

Yuuki was so sure of Mafuyu, but everything else, maybe not so much.

That kills him, because _wonderful_ Yuuki who has touched so many hearts, wasn’t sure of something and it makes Ritsuka question everything. He doesn’t want to hurt Mafuyu, but whenever Mafuyu gives him a vacant stare and a grief-stricken _Yuuki_ that falls from his lips, Ritsuka accepts that he does.

He can’t not accept it, because he’s always the one that asks. Whether it’s with his eyes or his mouth, Mafuyu always picks up on it. 

Yuuki is the first person that comes to Mafuyu’s head, even though Ritsuka’s the one that needs to currently bandage his hands. The one that has to avert his eyes whenever Haruki gives him a look as soon as he notices his bandaged fingers and the frustrated lines that are constantly on his face. It hurts to play the guitar, especially with how much he’s been doing so, but the hurt in his heart is so much worse.

He loves Mafuyu, but Mafuyu isn’t his, may never be his, and it’s absolutely _devastating._


End file.
